A promising young kid is thinking about writing on the side. He has thoughts about sometime in his lifetime selling a script for an animated feature or short film or perhaps publishing a short book. He seems to be more drawn towards science fiction-fantasy. He has written a short outline and would love to get your feedback. If you enjoy it then please say so and why. If you think it is terrible and has no potential then that is fine too. But please be specific in your feedback. This outline is not edited so please read for the images.
1. It is four o¡¯clock in the afternoon. The sun burns its last few hours of energy on the giant steel city. At a distance one can see a massive orange and yellow glare from the sun striking the windowless steel buildings and side walks. The city is compact like that of a New York or San Francisco. From a grounds view the buildings seem to extend for miles and miles. Enormous elevated tram tracks extend the entire length of the city. It extends as high as some of the tallest buildings and in other areas rests at ground level.
2. The tracks vibrate and a faint humming noise is heard in the distance. A few moments later, the dull monotone hum becomes a deafening roar. A massive steel tram screams past one of the buildings at a furious rate. It leaves a sharp piercing echoing sound a few moments behind. The tram passes a billboard of a man dressed in 50¡¯s attire smoking a synthetic cigarette. Smoke blows out of the man¡¯s mouth. The tram screams past a few more buildings then takes a sharp nose dive towards the ground. It levels off and after a few moments, comes to a screeching halt at one of the stations.
3. The doors hiss open. All of the passengers scurry out of the cars and onto the cold steel sidewalk. One of the passengers, a lady, rummages through her purse while trying to keep up with the rest of the passengers. Absent mindedly, she runs into a large object blocking her path. Stunned, she looks up at the object. A cold chill runs down her spine as she stares into the bright red glowing eyes of a Skeleton Machine. She stands very still for several seconds which to her seems like several hours. The red eyes feel like they¡¯re burning a hole right through to the back of her skull. She glances at her reflection in the machines shiny metallic head. She hears the dull piercing hum of the machines motor. A bead of sweat trickles down the ladies forehead onto her nose and then onto the ground. She cautiously steps to the side. The machine turns its head and watches her. She gently walks forward and away from the machine glancing back every so often to make sure it is not following her. The machine observes her for a few more moments then turns its attention back to the tram.
4. The lady continues her rapid pace, her nerves still shaken from the encounter. She removes a synthetic cigarette from her purse and places it to her lips. She presses an on button which lights the unit. She inhales deeply then exhales expelling a cloud of black smoke. She takes a couple of more drags then extinguishes the cigarette by pressing an off button. She stops and places the unit back into her purse. She checks her hair from her reflection in the building. She pulls down her blouse then enters a bank.
5. Back at the tram, a loud, piercing beeping noise alerts the passengers that it¡¯s departure time. Several people move quickly into the cars. After a few moments, the doors close with a loud hiss. The engine ignites. The familiar deafening roar floods the station. The tram moves slowly forward for the first few feet then blasts onward like a rocket. It whizzes past a few buildings then heads into a dark tunnel.
6. The conductor of the tram presses a button and the steel covering the cars windows moves down giving the passengers a perfect view of the city. In this instance, however, it happens to be a dimly lit tunnel.
7. Most of the passengers go about their business of reading the paper or working on crossword puzzles. A boy moves towards the window with curiosity leaving his father on one of the seats fast asleep. The boy tries to count the number of lights as the tram whizzes past them. Because of the speed of the tram, the boy becomes dizzy and loses count. Frustrated by this, he turns his attention to a new game. He breathes on the window and starts drawing pictures. He notices a fat lady asleep in one of the seats next to him and draws a picture of her. He notices the fat wiggling under her chin as she snores. He covers his mouth and giggles at the site. He even decides to go for her purse. He inches towards her and reaches for it. As he is almost at his destination, he looks over to make sure he is not being watched. Sure enough, his father is staring straight at him giving him a dirty look. The boy smiles at his father hoping to butter him up but to no avail. The boy heaves a heavy sigh then goes back to his window drawings.
8. The tram passes over several potholes leading to the cities sewage system which is several hundred feet below ground level. It is a river of moving filth. A few hundred feet below this is an underworld of a few rolling dirt hills and tree roots sticking out of the dirt ceiling. Over in the distance sits a small oval house pieced together by thatch and clay. Several tall bare trees surround the tiny house. Smoke comes out of the chimney and a candle light flickers in the window.
9. As we move towards the house and past the dirt walls, we enter a huge dimly lit oval library. From the ceiling to the ground is about twenty five feet. Hundreds of books pack the shelves. At the bottom of the library, in the center, are two creatures fast asleep. One of the short, fat stubby creatures we¡¯ll call the Devil, slouches back in his cushioned red throne. His pointed tongue hangs out the side of his mouth as he sleeps. A thick red book lies across his lap titled ¡°Evil Doings¡±. A beautiful four foot gold bong rests at his side. On the table just behind the bong sits a half glass of scotch and the Devil¡¯s horns. At the legs of the chair is his 20 foot pet red dragon, Damion.
10. The dragon breathes in heavily drawing the fire out of the fire place about an inch from his snout. When he breathes out, it forces the fire up the chimney and out of the house.
11. A white mouse scurries across the floor and up onto the table next to the Devil. It searches for food but finds only a few crumbs. The mouse takes a quick nibble then spits it out in disgust. It then climbs onto the glass of half drank scotch and sniffs the contents cautiously. The creature moves slightly bumping the table causing the mouse to fall into the glass. The mouse swims submerged in the drink for a few moments then makes it to the surface with uncontrollable hiccups. The mouse climbs out of the glass and falls face first on the table. The mouse stumbles continuing to hiccup and kicks one of the crumbs hitting the Devil¡¯s head.
12. The Devil half asleep opens one of his huge yellow eyes and sees the irritated mouse. The mouse gives the creature an angry drunken look. He snaps his fingers falling off the table onto Damion¡¯s tail.
13. Damion half asleep raises his head looking around the room. He then looks down at his tail and sees the angry drunk mouse. The mouse motions to Damion and points to the third level book shelf. Using his massive tail, Damion raises the mouse up to the book shelf. The mouse stumbles into his mouse hole.
14. Damion lowers his head and places his tail right next to the burning fire.
15. The Devil takes one of the tubes of the bong and inhales the smoke deeply. He grins faintly and exhales trough his snout. He begins to drift off to sleep.
16. Damion begins to dream. He begins to wiggle his body and whimper. His tail finds the fire. A few moments elapse and Damion raises his head sniffing the air. He looks down at his burning tail. He thinks nothing about it then falls back to sleep. A moment later Damion lets out a giant roar and smacks the Devil in the head with his huge diamond pointed tail knocking him out of his chair.
17. Damion in a panic blows on his tail extinguishing the fire. He lets out a sigh of relief.
18. An irritated Devil raises himself off the floor giving Damion a dirty look. He shouts ¡°Damion!¡± He smacks Damion in the head with the book.
19. Damion lowers his head like a scolded dog.
20. The Devil growls at Damion showing his long yellow teeth.
21. The clock on the wall now reads midnight. A miniature mechanical dragon and devil emerge from the clock on a small track. The devil strikes the dragon in the tail with his pitch fork. The dragon breaths fire and let out a roar.
22. The Devil grins giving full view of his sharp pointed yellow teeth. He grabs his horns from the table and screws them into his head.
23. He hops over to the book case and moves a book causing part of the case to open into another room. He grabs a leash off the side of the wall and motions for Damion.
24. Just like a dog going for a walk with its master, Damion¡¯s tongue hangs out of his mouth and he wags his massive tail oblivious to the fact that he is tearing out huge pieces of brick from the mantle. He leaps over the Devil¡¯s chair knocking over valuable pieces of furniture.
25. Damion runs full speed towards the Devil. The Devil¡¯s eyes grow large in terror. He tries to jump into the next room before impact but is too late. Damion crashes into the Devil and all that can be seen at this moment is Damion¡¯s butt stuck in the opening. After a few attempts, he manages to push through tearing off pieces of the entrance and sending several books to the ground with a loud crash.
(c) 2010 Maya Chilam Foundation