Yesterday, Trailhead invited readers to imagine what would have to happen for Barack Obama to lose the Democratic nomination. And boy did you respond. You, dear readers, are a motley assortment of creative and disturbed geniuses.
Scenarios tended to fall into a few categories: embarrassing revelations, major screw-ups, Clinton ex machinas, and unfortunate occurrences. Others involved Obama turning out to be someone¡ªor something¡ªother than himself, such as the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (¡°note that you never see the Rev. & Obama in the same place!¡±), ¡°the smoke monster from Lost,¡± Dennis Kucinich in disguise, and John McCain¡¯s illegitimate black child. Several other scenarios involved zombie attacks and alien invasions. Yet another described a heinous Aristocrats-like stage performance by the Obama family.
We can¡¯t possibly share them all, but here¡¯s a sampling organized by category. Winners are at the bottom.
Embarrassing revelations:
Obama is actually 34 years old, too young to be president.¡ªMarc Sylvestre
Video surfaces of Obama at that Rev. Wright ¡°God Damn America¡± sermon that he claims he didn't attend, especially if the video shows him applauding that statement.¡ªBrian Weber
Obama photographed raising pinky while sipping latte!¡ªBenjamin Clark
Customs agents find one of Natalee Holloway's ¡°Carlos ¡¯n Charlie's Aruba¡± T-shirts in his luggage.¡ªTom Grayman
Obama¡¯s opening his mail while being interviewed by Bill O¡¯Reilly. He drops a Hallmark card. O¡¯Reilly helpfully picks it up for him and reads the inscription: ¡°Barack: Thanks for the visa! See you soon! Your BFF, Nadhmi.¡±¡ªBoyd Reed
Pictures of an 8-year-old Obama in his local neighborhood bomb-making class with William Ayers and other Weather Undergrounders.¡ªJen Geiger
The Drudge Report uncovers shocking photographic evidence that Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden were actually college roommates. ¡ They depict Bin Laden doing keg stands while Obama stands to the side holding his turban and counting in Arabic.¡ªRudy Santelises
He shot Alexander Hamilton. And there's video.¡ªAndrew Rice
Reader Mark Schondorf submits a whole list of shocking twists, including: ¡°Hillary summons a Kraken¡±; ¡°Obama was a ghost THE WHOLE TIME!!!¡±; ¡°Hillary goes back in time to kill Obama¡¯s mother¡±; ¡°Hillary wins because, as it turns out, she's Keyser Söze¡±; and ¡°Unbelievably, the aliens are afraid of water.¡±
Major screw-ups:
Obama confesses that the blackout ¡°ending¡± of the series finale of The Sopranos was his idea.¡ªScott Schiefelbein
The only way that Obama could possibly lose the nomination is if video of him punching a baby surfaced.¡ªNick Wilhelmy
There is only one unforgivable crime in America ¡ dogfighting.¡ªTom Bianchi
The reason he doesn't believe the government created AIDS is because he did.¡ªShane Mehling
Clinton ex machina:
The best scenario for Hillary is to run as John McCain¡¯s running mate. And for McCain to die.¡ªDea Henrich [So Obama would still be the nominee, but we had to include.¡ªEd.]
The Clinton campaign digs up records in the National Archives proving that Hawaii was not a state at the time of Obama's birth, thereby making him ineligible.¡ªPamela Belyn
Bill Clinton starts campaigning on his behalf before June 3.¡ªEric Samuels
Hillary sheds two tears.¡ªJon Cowan
Unfortunate occurrences:
Obama will need to be photographed windsurfing ¡ and then get eaten by a shark.¡ªStephen Defibaugh
Obama, trying to fit in with the Oregon locals, goes on a white-water rafting tour arranged by Lanny Davis Excursions.¡ªBoyd Reed
Hillary invites Barack to her home in Chappaqua to talk about ending the race. The visit eerily resembles the movie Misery.¡ªBoyd Reed
The winners: The best submissions managed to make a concise joke, summarize all of Obama¡¯s vulnerabilities at once, or vividly capture the mind-bending paucity of Clinton¡¯s odds of survival. Here are three that did the job:
3rd place: Hillary appeals to the Supreme Court, which, based upon a 2000 ruling, decides that the candidate with fewer votes wins the election.¡ªJohn Kirkbride
2nd place: Hillary Clinton must parachute into Pakistan while under heavy sniper fire, infiltrate al-Qaida using a fake beard, putty nose, and duct tape, and capture Osama Bin Laden, whilst singing the ¡°Star Spangled Banner¡± with one hand over her heart and an American flag lapel pin prominently shown on her outfit. She must film all of this in HD and create a montage scored to Lee Greenwood's ¡°God Bless the U.S.A.¡± Meanwhile, Barack Obama must publicly convert to Islam and change his name to Osama Hafez al-Mohammed Hussein Ayatollah Obama, while burning an American flag in the Crystal Cathedral as he replaces the crucifix with a do-it-yourself Piss Christ, while performing an abortion on the exhumed body of Terri Schiavo. He should also be naked. It should then rain frogs. That ought to do it.¡ªJason in San Diego
1st place: One of the lesser-known consequences of quantum physics is an event called ¡°quantum tunneling.¡± Here's how it happens: At a campaign stop in West Virginia, completely out of the blue, the aggregate wave functions of all the particles in Barack Obama's body end up instantaneously transporting him through the entire Earth and leaving him treading water somewhere in the Indian Ocean, or leaving his various particles scattered inside the mantle. The odds of this occurring are such that any macroscopic object tunneling through any barrier is highly unlikely in the lifespan of the universe, but it could occur!¡ªMichael Blessington
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(c) 2010 Maya Chilam Foundation