don't collect my body so soon death
i am not there yet
yes, i can jump
yes, i already had those pills
but not now, not yet, not so soon
my love, i haven't finished my words yet
no, not yet
not in front of you,
i have not yet declared my love
I have not touched you yet
not yet
not yet
not so soon
i am still here praying
praying nada jukojobiya
adaya judajkabia
nanasia sasajiajiabia
naiia saiasa odanianadia jajaachobi
Jadabia nachodabia
wibidian
i chant chant dance dance
i will get stronger and stronger and you said
obinday
binday
dadnydquisasasa
i chant and chant wait and wait
don't collect my body so soon
don't not yet not yet
Your hand is so cold, not like mom's
your face is bony, not kissable
Your door, don't remind me again, just next to mine
you have been my neighbor for a long long time
No, not yet, I am empty and hollow like your scalp
My bones have no juicy marrow for you to suck
My veins are filled with your spirit--alcohol,
blood drained
won't be in your interest to drink
No, dear good neighbor, you are always there
anxious to collect me
even called the undertaker to come
no, not yet, you haven't got the golden key yet
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
:(
take care. - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
Maya, throw those pills away. Please. :-( - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
我刚从波士顿回来,又路过玛雅过去的家了,波士顿大概是让女诗人自杀的城市,Plath, Sexton, I hope maya is not one of them. - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
玛雅,
你也许不认识我,但我看过你的文章,最近也常来这儿潜水。
希望你多保重。 - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
哎呀,好吓人。玛雅赶紧跳跳舞吧就没事了,但愿。
刚刚四川又地震了。那些冤魂一定会羡慕我们有不死的自由。 - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
Suicide represent weakness. But I do not think Maya is a weak person.
Maya: If you like to send me your Phone number I would call you (I live in LA too).
ting_one@hotmail.com
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
才从波士顿回来,我的电子信箱里全是咖啡客对玛雅的询问和关切。我也不知道如何回复这些信件。
刚才,看了一篇发表在上期 People 上的故事,讲人们如何走出阴影,走出伤害,重建生活,最重要的是要理智的选择“Love yourself more”。
玛雅太依赖其他人了,这就是为什么你总被hurt, 你要依赖自己,相信自己。
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
玛雅,我刚刚结束一个10天的trip,沿途的风景reminds me about Oragon and the trip we have had last year,I still remember how you encouraged me.
Take care! We all love you! - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/01/2008
人生有时候是挺残酷,从有爱的那一天起,就不断在加重离别那天所要承担的痛苦.
坚强起来,好好睡一觉,吃一大顿美食,善待自己,
支持玛雅做义工,经历过磨难的重生,会让人更慈悲,更宽容! - posted on 09/02/2008
yes, i give too much, and did not think that I do not have much myself. I gave all out, did not keep much for myself. I thought that was enough, but he wants more.
July wrote:
才从波士顿回来,我的电子信箱里全是咖啡客对玛雅的询问和关切。我也不知道如何回复这些信件。
刚才,看了一篇发表在上期 People 上的故事,讲人们如何走出阴影,走出伤害,重建生活,最重要的是要理智的选择“Love yourself more”。
玛雅太依赖其他人了,这就是为什么你总被hurt, 你要依赖自己,相信自己。
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
remember the night you taught me yoga, the most sensual moment of my life, on your living room floor, back arched and eyes closed, savoring the electricity of your touch, never wanting it to end. i cried that night before i left you. there is so much to live for. - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
sisi, i scared u, sorry, i was on heavy medication, but i am still in LA, come to visit please.
sisi wrote:
remember the night you taught me yoga, the most sensual moment of my life, on your living room floor, back arched and eyes closed, savoring the electricity of your touch, never wanting it to end. i cried that night before i left you. there is so much to live for. - posted on 09/02/2008
谁能切要的介绍一下玛雅为啥会心情不好么?或许玛雅不希望别人知道,那么各位劝慰的效用基本上就得看概率了。而且人多口杂,于事不宜啊。
我的侄子如果哭了,我哥哥我嫂子我爸爸妈妈我嫂子的爸爸妈妈以及其他的一大堆亲戚就都会施展法术逗孩子笑,伸不上手的就用嘴指指点点,难免乱糟糟,我哥哥于是就把我侄子单独抱开,到一个没人的僻静之处,关上门儿……一会儿侄子出来就不哭了,多少也会感到自己哪儿错了。
心病还需心药治,我想玛雅多少需要花点儿时间长篇发泄一通,如此不论结果会如何,至少于史也有个交待。(别生气哈,我也可能是瞎出主意……) - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
我想,玛雅应该先寻求专家的帮助。走出抑郁的怪圈是很艰难的,但并非做不到。寻求专家的帮助是寻求正确的方法的第一步。 - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
去当义工应该有帮助。
偶尔我也很抑郁,玛雅的念头也不是没有过,但我知道,那都是因为我太在乎自己。去当当义工,把注意力从自身转到外界,应该是个有用的办法。
玛雅要坚强,我一直都相信你内心有强大的力量。一定要挺过来。
- posted on 09/02/2008
xiaoman wrote:
去当义工应该有帮助。
偶尔我也很抑郁,玛雅的念头也不是没有过,但我知道,那都是因为我太在乎自己。去当当义工,把注意力从自身转到外界,应该是个有用的办法。
玛雅要坚强,我一直都相信你内心有强大的力量。一定要挺过来。
Ture.
In my view, Maya was born to be a charity worker. She has always been fascinated by the lives of vairous doggy people, those who can make a common person like me easily depressed and hardly wait to stay away from.
You really need a purified heart. I don't have one but I can see she got one.
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
玛雅好好活! - posted on 09/02/2008
Everyone has a purified heart. We need to learn how to listen to it using a purified mind.
"Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there. " -- The Achlemist
lhc wrote:
Ture.
In my view, Maya was born to be a charity worker. She has always been fascinated by the lives of vairous doggy people, those who can make a common person like me easily depressed and hardly wait to stay away from.
You really need a purified heart. I don't have one but I can see she got one.
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
rzp wrote:
Everyone has a purified heart. We need to learn how to listen to it using a purified mind.
"Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World, and it will one day return there. " -- The Achlemist
Can you offer more hints how to use a "purified mind"? :) - posted on 09/02/2008
Each of us has our own path -- personal legend.
It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their personal legend is.
At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend.
It is a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your personal legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because their is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It is your mission on earth.
Even when all you want to do is travel, or even search for treasure. The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's personal legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one.
And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
--the achlemist - posted on 09/02/2008
rzp wrote:
Each of us has our own path -- personal legend.
It's what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their personal legend is.
At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their personal legend.
It is a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your personal legend. It prepares your spirit and your will, because their is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It is your mission on earth.
Even when all you want to do is travel, or even search for treasure. The soul of the world is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's personal legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one.
And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
--the achlemist
I certainly need this bless too. That's for sure.
Again, how about the "purified mind", any hints on that? :)
- posted on 09/02/2008
I thought that was what that blessing is about:). Apurified mind is one's own way that works, one's own path to grow and return to the ONE.
In order to find it, one will have to follow the omens. God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. We just have to read the omens that he left for us.
lhc wrote:
rzp wrote:I certainly need this bless too. That's for sure.
Each of us has our own path -- personal legend.
Again, how about the "purified mind", any hints on that? :)
- Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
再送玛雅一句,遗书也写了,死都不怕了,还怕活着么? - Re: no death not nowposted on 09/02/2008
Teenager时代也有过抑郁,不过在哪里读到一句话,觉得不错,就记住了:
人反正都是要死的,急什么呢?
与标题倒是挺一致的。 - Re: no death not now/posted on 09/04/2008
第一天开始跟病魔作战,要求不高,不再哭,不再喝酒,今天按时吃了一顿饭,收拾了小屋,按时吃了药,没有失眠,没有噩梦,没有坏朋友打扰,只遇见对我微笑的人。
今天还约了医生律师,去了银行付帐单。都是一个人完成的,走路去的,都没请人搭顺风车,走了大概有三mile。
还没决定是否该买个电视跟cable,担心一个人又会发疯,进去医院。
慢慢爬起来,站稳,我被打得很重。 - posted on 09/04/2008
玛雅 wrote:
第一天开始跟病魔作战,要求不高,不再哭,不再喝酒,今天按时吃了一顿饭,收拾了小屋,按时吃了药,没有失眠,没有噩梦,没有坏朋友打扰,只遇见对我微笑的人。
今天还约了医生律师,去了银行付帐单。都是一个人完成的,走路去的,都没请人搭顺风车,走了大概有三mile。
还没决定是否该买个电视跟cable,担心一个人又会发疯,进去医院。
慢慢爬起来,站稳,我被打得很重。
玛雅的康复日记是个积极的开端。希望能每天坚持下去。如同每天有人要做操一样,
心理上,精神体操也需要天天做。
我认为,抑郁中最坏的情况是不再和外界交流。只要能交流,就有希望,会进步。
- posted on 09/04/2008
都是一个人完成的,走路去的,都没请人搭顺风车,走了大概有三mile。
It's a good start. Three miles? Good job. 给你出个"嗖主意":下次一手一个dumbell, 来个power walk.
吃药不能喝酒。
电视要是只看local台,可以弄个小天线就搞定. Home Depot $50 (external version, about 5"x8"x1" whd). 我家里就是,效果很好,可以收HD. 其实要看的就那么几个台,当然中文节目只能被剥削。曾经想过自己弄free-to-air satellite, 后来觉得费时间,而且只有中央4,9,F,E,才罢了。
玛雅 wrote:
第一天开始跟病魔作战,要求不高,不再哭,不再喝酒,今天按时吃了一顿饭,收拾了小屋,按时吃了药,没有失眠,没有噩梦,没有坏朋友打扰,只遇见对我微笑的人。
今天还约了医生律师,去了银行付帐单。都是一个人完成的,走路去的,都没请人搭顺风车,走了大概有三mile。
还没决定是否该买个电视跟cable,担心一个人又会发疯,进去医院。
慢慢爬起来,站稳,我被打得很重。 - posted on 09/05/2008
昨晚,跟Shabba在楼下Gym里又谈了两个多小时。原本我们约好是谈“身体训练/康复计划”的。 没有受过焦虑抑郁折磨的人是不太相信药物的,当我告诉他我需要药物帮助的时候,他并不同意。他只是说在接受魔鬼训练之前,我的mind并没有ready,我需要长时间地meditation。
我已经非常依赖药物了。对于普通人来讲轻而易举的事情,对于我就是挑战。比如离开床,离开这个房间,按时吃饭喝水,比如敲下这几行字,比如不去看自杀与毒品的网站,比如不去想自杀、人生意义这些“哲学”问题:)
我上面的英文歌是我今年写的最棒的一首歌词,要给Aldo拿去配曲,他说比Amy Winehouse的词都棒。我自己先拍一下肩膀。
昨晚Victorio来电话告诉我他的电影剧本经过100遍的修改,现在已经在好莱坞了,他还让我去找Kabala的集会据点,他说最近见到Madonna,比她20岁时还美丽,告诉我不要怕病怕老,还在跟我提去Seville 长期生活的计划。我说西班牙人不欢迎中国人,他们对我并不友好。
我的西班牙梦怎么也消失得这样快,对一切都没有兴趣了,再丰盛的食物到嘴里跟干面包没两样,无法下咽。我现在的梦想?--让过去的几十年都是一场噩梦。
今天偶然在网上搜索发现,我的ex-ex居然是Republican的donor!而且是大donor!从1998年开始就是!而他从前连一个晚餐都没给我付过!他曾经最大的passion就是用最刻薄恶毒的优美词汇嘲笑嘲弄gay people, 最喜欢拿加州的人开狠毒的玩笑。而他现在居然住在同性恋人的老巢Berkeley,我真佩服他“深入虎穴”的勇气。我现在更加深信不疑他的性趋向了。我美丽的20岁的青春就是这样悲壮地可歌可泣地渡过的。what a hypocrite! Now I feel like, i had been sleeping with a murder! Julia Roberts演过一个电影叫 sleeping with enemy, 我就喜欢她的那部片子。那是我婚姻的一个同类项。读到这些消息差点没让我从椅子上跌下来。
对,他是我的ex-ex, 会说9种语言的天才,其中一种语言叫谎言。LOL。
他曾经是简爱那个电影里的庄园主那样漂亮聪明电影明星一般引人注目,哈哈哈,嫁给过这样的男人的女人不疯才怪。阁楼里的疯女人,雷雨里的漪繁。
英国的故事都有点gothic, 故事原型就是灰姑娘加巫婆。我即是灰姑娘也是破坏爱情的阁楼上的疯女人。
- Re: no death not now/posted on 09/05/2008
要想从抑郁焦虑的怪圈出来,discipline很重要。是需要强迫自己作这些正常的事的,
最终量变会引起质变,就是自然地做了。做完每一件小事,都是accomplishment,
应该巩固这种感觉,每天都要规定自己有些accomplishment。
- Re: no death not now/posted on 09/05/2008
remember Chainman Mao's "下定决心... ..."? become a fighter...
well, akways easy said than done...
Maya, take care... - Re: no death not now/posted on 09/05/2008
3mw 看来很有经验嘛。的确是这样的。不过 discipline 在常人都不容易,在玛雅那里更是困难,所以她更需要身边人的支持。
一个人的时候,多来咖啡坐坐、聊聊,不要在网上自己瞎玩、乱想。 - Re: no death not now/posted on 09/05/2008
exactly. 该吃还是要吃。Your trainer is not a medical doctor. 每天按时吃药就是一个accomplishment, 然后会良性循环。
玛雅 wrote:
没有受过焦虑抑郁折磨的人是不太相信药物的,当我告诉他我需要药物帮助的时候,他并不同意。
阿姗 wrote:
一个人的时候,多来咖啡坐坐、聊聊,不要在网上自己瞎玩、乱想。
这个也很实用。 - posted on 09/05/2008
今天看到这一则新闻,转在这一线下面吧:
====
四岁亚洲象西光一年成功戒掉毒瘾
一头亚洲大象在经历了一年的戒毒治疗之后,终于摆脱了毒瘾,成功戒毒。
这头名叫西光的四岁的大象由于被喂食含有海洛因的香蕉而染上了毒瘾。
它是被那些不法象贩子在2005年在中国的西南部逋抓到的。
在中缅边境,有多达上百头亚洲象在这里生活。作为国家一级保护动物,它们一直是不法分子捕捉的对象。
2005年3月,犯罪分子通过在香蕉上涂抹毒品海洛因的方法,抓住和控制大象,并希望能把它们转卖到内地发财。
当警察逮捕了这些犯罪贩子,并释放了他们手中的大象时,发现其中的大象西光情绪异样,象是犯了毒瘾一样。
它的眼睛不停的流泪,并且不断的大吼大叫。
原来这头大象吃惯了象贩子所喂食的含有海洛因的香蕉,毒瘾又犯了。
西光于是被送到海南岛的野生动物保护中心接受戒毒治疗。
西光接受了美沙酮注射治疗长达一年之久,终于成功地戒掉了毒瘾。
预计,它将在星期六抵达云南昆明的野生动物园。
亚洲大象是濒临灭绝的动物,据世界自然基金会的统计,目前全世界的野生亚洲象只有25,600到32,750头。
&
又想到陈百强的一首歌:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCS_WLczc84
摘星
- Re: 四岁亚洲象西光一年成功戒掉毒瘾(BBC)posted on 09/05/2008
给玛雅推荐两本书:An Unquiet Mind, and, Exuberance: The Passion for Life, both by Kay Redfield Jamison。我看过第二本,据说第一本更好。 - Re: 四岁亚洲象西光一年成功戒掉毒瘾(BBC)posted on 09/05/2008
太棒了,这也是另一个朋友给我推荐的。谢谢。另外,慧元妹妹那里还有你自己的书吗?我在国内(广州)找不到。我E给你地址。
chloe wrote:
给玛雅推荐两本书:An Unquiet Mind, and, Exuberance: The Passion for Life, both by Kay Redfield Jamison。我看过第二本,据说第一本更好。 - Re: no death not now/posted on 09/05/2008
玛雅 wrote:
昨晚,跟Shabba在楼下Gym里又谈了两个多小时。原本我们约好是谈“身体训练/康复计划”的。 没有受过焦虑抑郁折磨的人是不太相信药物的,当我告诉他我需要药物帮助的时候,他并不同意。他只是说在接受魔鬼训练之前,我的mind并没有ready,我需要长时间地meditation。
这些日记真好,看到妳身边有人在帮助妳,也放心一点。希望写下去。
- Re: no death not now/posted on 09/06/2008
是的,看到玛雅又写字了,真高兴。
坚持写,我每天看。 - Re: no death not now/posted on 09/06/2008
玛雅不反复就好,我最怕她好好的,又突然发疯,前功尽弃,想想很心疼玛雅。是病,很多时候不能控制。
Please paste HTML code and press Enter.
- maya
- #1 xiaoman
- #2 SevenStar
- #3 July
- #4 Ruyi
- #5 mahuiyuan
- #6 reader
- #7 July
- #8 小雨
- #9 feifei
- #10 maya
- #11 sisi
- #12 maya
- #13 朱老剑客
- #14 3mw
- #15 xiaoman
- #16 lhc
- #17 chloe
- #18 rzp
- #19 lhc
- #20 rzp
- #21 lhc
- #22 rzp
- #23 老瓦
- #24 wonder
- #25 玛雅
- #26 3mw
- #27 moab
- #28 玛雅
- #29 3mw
- #30 xy
- #31 阿姗
- #32 moab
- #33 xw
- #34 chloe
- #35 玛雅
- #36 rzp
- #37 xiaoman
- #38 July
(c) 2010 Maya Chilam Foundation