轮回
镀银的偈语出落渊潭
迄今时明时暗,倒挂云霄
疑似白矮星的一纸绝笔
他毕生技穷、术浅
内心甘于苦行
除却一手潦草字迹,代人捉刀过
阴阳通用的唱词
因健忘而分外眼熟的
梦的碎火屑
隔夜烫漆在腮颊上
令我提前长出狐狸的表情
由此,我们得以折回前世
凭借敏感的发丝触地、游走
来证明灵魂不死
继而穿透一场暗物质的大雾
吸纳生死畸恋的醒药
以图免疫于时光的恩仇
几近曲终,则换一只慢板的沙漏
绕进麦垛隐藏余生
并携带泥墙上钟爱的影子
若一心重新做人
就牢记从溢满谷雨的瓦缝间
赎回你早年溺水的幼齿
Reincarnation
The silver gilded Spell of Wisdom ascending from abyss,
dim-lit up to this date, while suspending onto tip of cloud,
is assumed to be the last will of a White Dwarf.
A lifelong handicap in skills and arts,
at ease with his inmost denial,
but sketchy handwriting aside, he himself used to ghostwrite lyrics
prevalent in both worlds above and under.
Scanty fire flickers from his dream, so innate
to one's eye because of memory loss, were glossed onto
my cheek overnight, which in turn,
rendered me a look of fox before its due.
Hereby we are shown the outlet back to last life,
strolling via wisp of hairs as if slithering on ground,
only to prove the immortality of soul.
And further down to pass through a mist of dark substance,
inhale cures for otherworldly obsession
as to get immunized from the vengeance of time.
Now the end is near, let's switch to a tuned-down sand glass,
sneak into a haystalk and hide out all years that's left, taking along
the beloved shadow restive on mud wall.
Should you appeal for relapsing into a human corpse once more,
just be mindful to reclaim the baby tooth, drown
in rainwater among roof tiles since your very little age.
2009.4
- Re: 轮回posted on 04/28/2009
A very good one! Love it! - Re: 轮回posted on 04/28/2009
XW,瓦,
被穷人包围的日子没法过啊,体谅,体谅,呵呵。。。:-) :-) :-) 88。 - Re: 轮回posted on 04/28/2009
能感觉到轮回投胎的意象,第二段。只是第一段,这位穷处士,刀笔
吏?还得老瓦导读一下。 - posted on 04/29/2009
老瓦 wrote:
轮回
镀银的偈语出落渊潭
迄今时明时暗,倒挂云霄
疑似白矮星的一纸绝笔
他毕生技穷、术浅
内心甘于苦行
除却一手潦草字迹,代人捉刀过
阴阳通用的唱词
因健忘而分外眼熟的
梦的碎火屑
隔夜烫漆在腮颊上
令我提前长出狐狸的表情
由此,我们得以折回前世
凭借敏感的发丝触地、游走
来证明灵魂不死
继而穿透一场暗物质的大雾
吸纳生死畸恋的醒药
以图免疫于时光的恩仇
几近曲终,则换一只慢板的沙漏
绕进麦垛隐藏余生
并携带泥墙上钟爱的影子
若一心重新做人
就牢记从溢满谷雨的瓦缝间
赎回你早年溺水的幼齿
2009.4
如能更明了点则更佳,也许这里面有暗语? - Re: 轮回posted on 04/29/2009
守望古典 wrote:
如能更明了点则更佳,也许这里面有暗语?
暗语的没有,只有偈语,还有英语翻译,顺便也补上:)
其实我的立意很直接啊,由天到地的轮回,星象应验到人世;由人到鬼的轮回,来生变回狐狸;前一段在阳世,后一段在阴间,对阴间留恋不舍了,就躲起来让时间变慢:) 当然如果想再变成人,到人间受二茬罪,就去找tooth fairy嘛,这个五岁小儿都懂:))
- Re: 轮回posted on 04/29/2009
笨笨的朋友 wrote:
XW,瓦,
被穷人包围的日子没法过啊,体谅,体谅,呵呵。。。:-) :-) :-) 88。
我也多一句嘴,咖啡的个个都是清白的,只要不把那些前世恩怨全部搬过来。我看大家是明枪明炮的阵地战结束了,到咖啡转入隐名埋姓的巷战,是不是战事也该进入收尾阶段了? - Re: 轮回posted on 04/29/2009
爱,树欲静而风不止。咱贴诗就是想止,可是咱止不住啊。因为有人把前世恩怨看得太重。。。轮回啊。。。;-)
咖啡的个个都是清白的...
很有现实意义哦,也很搞笑,特别是“个个”。。。:)
老瓦 wrote:
我也多一句嘴,咖啡的个个都是清白的,只要不把那些前世恩怨全部搬过来。我看大家是明枪明炮的阵地战结束了,到咖啡转入隐名埋姓的巷战,是不是战事也该进入收尾阶段了? - Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/29/2009
呵呵,看样子也是老了一岁给闹腾的,这明示比暗示还难懂,中文版晦涩,还是英文版的明白 :) - Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
我中英文都看不懂,咋办? - posted on 04/30/2009
WOW,
你能写,呼呼啦啦就是一大篇。俺的诗总是很短。赞扬一个先。下面是俺的改写和评论。仅供参考。
Reincarnation
The silver Spell of Wisdom ascended from the abyss
suspending from the tip of the clouds
is assumed to be the last will of a White Dwarf
having been flickering up to this date
A Lifelong handicap in skills and crafts
yet, at ease with himself (if I were you, this makes more sense)
except his perfunctory handwriting
he himself used to ghostwrite lyrics
popular (or used, resonant) in both worlds
{OR: A Lifelong handicap in skills and crafts
yet, at ease with himself for an ascetic (hard) life
he himself used to ghostwrite lyrics
resonant (or used, popular) in both worlds
as perfunctory his handwriting may}
Sparkles from his dream, so innate
to his eyes because of memory loss, burned onto
my cheek overnight, which in turn,
rendered me a look of fox before its due.
镀银的偈语出落渊潭
迄今时明时暗,倒挂云霄
疑似白矮星的一纸绝笔
他毕生技穷、术浅
内心甘于苦行
除却一手潦草字迹,代人捉刀过
唱词,阴阳通用
梦的碎火屑
因健忘而分外眼熟
隔夜烫漆在腮颊上
令我提前长出狐狸的表情
S1
1, gild-- To cover with a thin layer of gold, 镀金.
2, 镀银--silver (vt.)
3, 镀银的偈语--silver spell (or silvered spell?)
4, can't be ascending and suspending at the same time
5, a cloud, the cloud, a speck of cloud, or clouds
6, the abyss?
Therefore:
The silver Spell of Wisdom ascended from the abyss
suspending from the tip of the clouds
is assumed to be the last will of a White Dwarf
having been flickering up to this date
S2
1, inmost--should be innermost?
2, innermost denial--自我否定
3, 苦行--ascetic practices
4, prevalent -- 战胜,优越,占上风,usually one "prevalent" over the other, not both.
5, 除却,除去,把...排除在外 -- except
6, besides--除了...之外还有...
Therefore:
A Lifelong handicap in skills and crafts
yet, at ease with his innermost denial
except his perfunctory handwriting
he himself used to ghostwrite lyrics
resonant (or used, popular) in both worlds
S3
1, Scanty--缺乏,微薄
2, Sparkles--火星, 火花
3, gloss--To give a bright sheen or luster to... 上光,擦亮
Therefore:
Sparkles from his dream, so innate
to the eyes because of memory loss, burned onto
my cheek overnight, which in turn,
rendered me a look of fox before its due.
先改这一段。俺基本上按汉语的意思,英语尽量不改动您原来的意图,您看怎么样?俺感到好多了,起码容易读懂。对不起,JUST CAN'T HELP IT. :-)
1,You have to pay more attention to grammar and syntax.
2,You got to use an English-English dictionary.
3,Try to separate the long stanzas into short ones.
老瓦 wrote:
轮回
镀银的偈语出落渊潭
迄今时明时暗,倒挂云霄
疑似白矮星的一纸绝笔
他毕生技穷、术浅
内心甘于苦行
除却一手潦草字迹,代人捉刀过
阴阳通用的唱词
因健忘而分外眼熟的
梦的碎火屑
隔夜烫漆在腮颊上
令我提前长出狐狸的表情
由此,我们得以折回前世
凭借敏感的发丝触地、游走
来证明灵魂不死
继而穿透一场暗物质的大雾
吸纳生死畸恋的醒药
以图免疫于时光的恩仇
几近曲终,则换一只慢板的沙漏
绕进麦垛隐藏余生
并携带泥墙上钟爱的影子
若一心重新做人
就牢记从溢满谷雨的瓦缝间
赎回你早年溺水的幼齿
Reincarnation
The silver gilded Spell of Wisdom ascending from abyss,
dim-lit up to this date, while suspending onto tip of cloud,
is assumed to be the last will of a White Dwarf.
A lifelong handicap in skills and arts,
at ease with his inmost denial,
but sketchy handwriting aside, he himself used to ghostwrite lyrics
prevalent in both worlds above and under.
Scanty fire flickers from his dream, so innate
to one's eye because of memory loss, were glossed onto
my cheek overnight, which in turn,
rendered me a look of fox before its due.
Hereby we are shown the outlet back to last life,
strolling via wisp of hairs as if slithering on ground,
only to prove the immortality of soul.
And further down to pass through a mist of dark substance,
inhale cures for otherworldly obsession
as to get immunized from the vengeance of time.
Now the end is near, let's switch to a tuned-down sand glass,
sneak into a haystalk and hide out all years that's left, taking along
the beloved shadow restive on mud wall.
Should you appeal for relapsing into a human corpse once more,
just be mindful to reclaim the baby tooth, drown
in rainwater among roof tiles since your very little age.
2009.4 - Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
WOW,
这条线上,还是JULY说得最简单明了,最接近 TRUTH(虽然我并不愿拍她的MP)。:) 无疑, 回帖的都是爱。
俺给您改诗,在某种意义上是"吵架"(阵地战?巷战?You decide):) 。网上"吵架"的真谛就是“外行看热闹,内行看门道”。不是自称内行,但是从您的这首诗看来,在英文诗上,俺可能比您早起动半步。俺最喜欢用英语吵架,这样提高地很快哦。:-)
呵呵。。。
July wrote:
我中英文都看不懂,咋办? - Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
七月救了我。。。
我一直为读不懂班长的诗而惭愧。。。。
但我真的很喜欢一些句子啊。。提前长出狐狸的表情。。哈哈。 - Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
诗象音乐,不一定都是意味着让人读懂, 不一定只有一种读法,所以,读不懂不必惭愧。有时诗是一种可感染的情绪,有时诗是一种在脑海里折腾出来的图象, 有时诗是为了眼睛的舒服。。。:-)
- Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
笨笨的朋友的英文的确不错, 节奏感出来了,舒服多了。这样的帖子多写点哈。吵架就算了吧。 - posted on 04/30/2009
多谢这些好主意哈,人家说一字师,你起码该做我轮回的轮回的师傅了:)
从你的偏好看,主要是对词义的取舍不一样,至于怎样短句,我是在特意安排一种节奏,中英文都如是,以前的其他东东亦如是。下面逐一说说我的选词:
笨笨的朋友 wrote:
S1
1, gild-- To cover with a thin layer of gold, 镀金.
2, 镀银--silver (vt.)
3, 镀银的偈语--silver spell (or silvered spell?)
4, can't be ascending and suspending at the same time
5, a cloud, the cloud, a speck of cloud, or clouds
6, the abyss?
Silvered很好,去除一个不必要的词gild; ascending和suspending一是指过程,一个指终点状态,时间上有差异,当然可以同在。 abyss=深渊、渊潭,应是很好的转换。
1, inmost--should be innermost?
2, innermost denial--自我否定
3, 苦行--ascetic practices
4, prevalent -- 战胜,优越,占上风,usually one "prevalent" over the other, not both.
5, 除却,除去,把...排除在外 -- except
6, besides--除了...之外还有...
想过用innermost, 但不如inmost程度深;ascetic practices太书面话,不宜入诗;我考虑过用pravalent或pravailing,但嫌-ing太多,所以用了前者。战胜只是其意思之一(不要被小布什的名言骗了:),更多的是盛行、通行。我觉得aside 比 besides、except更口语化。
1, Scanty--缺乏,微薄
2, Sparkles--火星, 火花
3, gloss--To give a bright sheen or luster to... 上光,擦亮
本意是表达碎火屑,不是火花,sparkle让人联想到思想的火花:)不如flicker,更微弱,更低贱。那个“烫漆”尤其费脑子,burn, fire,甚至专业的sinter都想过,最后觉得gloss更好, 它不光指上光,更多的是高温表面处理。
剩下的就是词序和断句,我还是倾向于原版,可能要再想想。多谢哈!!
- Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
笨笨的朋友 wrote:
2, 镀银--silver (vt.)
3, 镀银的偈语--silver spell (or silvered spell?)
I thought 镀银 implies cheap, fake, etc. Maybe Silver coated?
The silver Spell of Wisdom ascended from the abyss
suspending from the tip of the clouds
shimmering, while ornamenting the lining of cloud
my 2c - posted on 04/30/2009
Choice of words 是一方面,context 是另一方面. 这就是俺用popular, used, 不用prevailing, prevalent.
有些地方字典上是查不到的。靠语感。俺觉得您要在语感上下功夫。:-)
去找个英语的诗网,发表一下试试,听听那里的网友怎么说。:-)
俺记得俺学英语诗的时候,一首诗拿到网上(美国人民的诗网)发表,到最后,要改3-5遍, 最多的时候6-7遍。给俺改得越多越好。要是一首诗放那里没反应,俺就知道有什么地方不对劲。
老瓦 wrote:
多谢这些好主意哈,人家说一字师,你起码该做我轮回的轮回的师傅了:)
从你的偏好看,主要是对词义的取舍不一样,至于怎样短句,我是在特意安排一种节奏,中英文都如是,以前的其他东东亦如是。下面逐一说说我的选词:
- Re: 轮回 Reincarnationposted on 04/30/2009
popular是最先被否决的词啊,因为跟lyrics连起来的感觉很不好,知道我说的啥了。当然lyrics也不恰当,想过libretto,不仅是唱更有说的词,但还是嫌死板。
我不习惯翻字典,更多是用google琢磨用法。你说的好,除了这个塌塌,再多贴到别处有帮助,估计那帮老美不懂轮回,要被一阵乱棒打回:)
谢行人的两分钱,那个有点镶边的意思;七月不懂最好,就不用担心轮回,可以长生不老哈:)) - posted on 04/30/2009
行人好主意。俺的第一感觉也是 silver Spell of Wisdom, not silvered, because of the "wisdom" following behind.
prevailing, prevalent is no good.
sung, resonant, echo are other choices.
WOW,
如果都来砸砖就是好现象。我估计他们看不懂,就谁也不来砸。:)
行人 wrote:
笨笨的朋友 wrote:I thought 镀银 implies cheap, fake, etc. Maybe Silver coated?
2, 镀银--silver (vt.)
3, 镀银的偈语--silver spell (or silvered spell?)
The silver Spell of Wisdom ascended from the abyssshimmering, while ornamenting the lining of cloud
suspending from the tip of the clouds
my 2c - posted on 04/30/2009
意见很好,再提啊,越多越好。
silver是一蹴而就想到的,为什么不用gold或golden?对于我来说,golden有生锈的意思,不及银色纯洁。深渊、黑夜、银色。。。哈,效果就出来了,不过platinum也许不错,那就很像一张信用卡了;))
我说笨笨朋友,不是人家读不懂,是不屑为伍。这年头只有脑子有病的人才写诗,是不?
笨笨的朋友 wrote:
行人好主意。俺的第一感觉也是 silver Spell of Wisdom, not silvered, because of the wisdom.
prevailing, prevalent is no good.
sung, resonant, echo are other choices.
WOW,
如果都来砸砖就是好现象。我估计他们看不懂,就谁也不来砸。:)
行人 wrote:
笨笨的朋友 wrote:I thought 镀银 implies cheap, fake, etc. Maybe Silver coated?
2, 镀银--silver (vt.)
3, 镀银的偈语--silver spell (or silvered spell?)
The silver Spell of Wisdom ascended from the abyssshimmering, while ornamenting the lining of cloud
suspending from the tip of the clouds
my 2c - posted on 04/30/2009
老瓦 wrote:
意见很好,再提啊,越多越好。
剩下的是你自己的事,别偷懒。:)
我说笨笨朋友,不是人家读不懂,是不屑为伍。这年头只有脑子有病的人才写诗,是不?
不是。对中国人来说,诗是高雅的。
对美国人来说,诗是实用的,用来宣泄,作为业余爱好。因为美国的诗比较自由,有很多人写。我碰到过写诗寄托对儿子的哀思的母亲;写诗纪念狗的老妇人,和爱诗写诗的单身汉。我的确是碰到一个患了失睡病的诗人,不能睡觉,用写诗来消磨时间,病好了就写得少了。他是失睡,不是神经病。:)
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