I read this article while waiting for an appointment, this story made me tearful.
The full article is at this address:
Please help me post here nicely.
http://www.lauramcclure.us/LMwebimages/01Till_DeathF2.pdf
- Re: °®Ç鳤ÅÜ14Ä꣬ÖÕÓÚ¸úËÀÇô·¸¼àÓüÍê»é inside a death row marriage, till death do we partposted on 05/06/2009
Will Death Do Us Apart
It wasn¡¯t my goal in life.
I didn¡¯t set out to marry
someone on death row.
That was just where the
person I fell in love with
happened to be.
20 January 2006 California Lawyer
BY MRS. KENNETH GAY AS TOLD TO LAURA MCCLURE
PHOTO BY DALE HIGGINS
I was an activity director at a Christian retirement home in Southern California
when I first started writing Kenny. One of my sons-in-law was already in
prison and I had been sending him tracts from church, encouraging him, and
he became a Christian in prison up in Washington, so I felt like I was doing
pretty well with letter writing. I love people and wanted to reach out to more,
so I started writing a friend of his, also in
prison. My sister said it was like I had a
small prison ministry. Then one day I was in church and I
picked up a pamphlet by Dr. James Dobson¡ªthe same Dr.
Dobson who started Focus on the Family¡ªand I noticed
an ad on the back for the Death Row Support Project in
Indiana. They were looking for people who wanted to write
to people on death row across America. And that¡¯s how I
met Kenny. He was in San Quentin, and I was in my early
forties. We were computer matched as pen pals.
I got six pen pals from Death Row Support, all men. I
thought they were all going to be dead
men. One guy in Florida wrote to me
and said, ¡°Can¡¯t you send me stamps? I
can¡¯t write, I don¡¯t have any stamps,¡± and
at the time I thought, ¡°Maybe I¡¯m getting
scammed,¡± so I told him, no, I can¡¯t take
money out of my budget for that. When
Kenny wrote to me it was totally different.
He said, ¡°I don¡¯t know who you are
or what you want, I don¡¯t want a pen pal,
who gave you my name, I hate what¡¯s
happened to my life, and if you don¡¯t
ever write to me again that¡¯s fine.¡± And
I thought, well, here¡¯s somebody who
really needs a friend, because he was so
bitter, so bitter. He also said he believed
we all came from apes¡ªthat was a challenge.
So I kept writing in a nice way
about evolution and the Bible. I didn¡¯t
come see him or anything. And I wrote
to him for months and months, and I
finally saw a glimmer of his heart when I said ¡°You can call
me Mom,¡± because that¡¯s what everybody else called me,
and he said, ¡°I already have a mother, thank you, I love my
mother,¡± and all of a sudden I saw that oh, this guy actually
loves somebody. And then things started to change.
I was married then and wasn¡¯t looking for romance. But
as far as I was concerned, my marriage was pretty much
over. I got married young the first time¡ªI was 16¡ªand
there was a lot of abuse involved. Finally my youngest¡ªI
have four children¡ªturned 18 and left home. This was
what I had been waiting for, to leave when my children
were all safe. My husband hit me in the face on the way
home from church one day, and my pastor said, ¡°You need
to get away right away.¡± And I thought about it, and I
decided, ¡°I¡¯ll go talk to my friend Kenny in prison.¡± Kenny¡¯s
half black and half white and comes from a family where
all four children have been in prison. I¡¯m Caucasian and I
come from a totally different background, and yet we had
become really good friends. He appreciated me. That¡¯s the
bottom line¡ªappreciation.
We wrote dozens of letters to get to know each other
before we even met in person for the
first time. The first time I saw him, I
didn¡¯t know what to expect. Kenny was
in prison for supposedly killing a cop,
but from the very first letter, he¡¯d said,
¡°I¡¯m innocent, and look what¡¯s happened
to me.¡± He had this big Afro and
these little wire-rim glasses, and I¡¯m
thinking, ¡°You look like a Berkeley college
kid.¡± Of course, I looked like a
toothpick back then. We talked through
this really scratchy plate glass, and all
our visits were glass visits for a while.
We didn¡¯t really talk about his case¡ªI
was more interested in the person¡ªbut
I came to believe that he was innocent.
Everything he said, everything I read,
made me believe him. Not that he hadn¡¯t
done bad things. When we got our first
contact visit, he sat me down and told
me all these things he had done when he
was young¡ªthe crimes, some of it was shocking. But you
don¡¯t go and execute someone for what they did before.
Kenny always told me, ¡°I¡¯m not afraid to die, but I don¡¯t
want to die for something I didn¡¯t do.¡±
And then¡ªI don¡¯t know at what point it was¡ªbut he
was so loving and kind that I started to just love to look
into his eyes. I used to be so fixed on Kenny¡¯s big brown
eyes, I could just melt. So in 1988 I moved to Marin
County and got a job as a nurse¡¯s aide, and my divorce was
final the same year. And it was good for me to come up
here; this way I could go out and grow up. I had to finally
learn what my Social Security number was and how to
22 January 2006 California Lawyer
Mrs. Kenneth Gay lives in Marin County, and Laura McClure (laura_mcclure@
dailyjournal.com) is an associate editor at CALIFORNIA LAWYER.
¡°Hide his chains
behind your bouquet,¡±
said the guard
taking the wedding
photo.
make a way for myself, to keep a roof over my head, buy
a car¡ªall these things I was never allowed to do by my
first husband.
Well, all this didn¡¯t sit too well with my family. One of
my daughters is a law enforcement officer, so we don¡¯t
talk about my marriage anymore. I once asked another
daughter¡¯s husband, who was a prison guard, why visitors
were treated so badly at San Quentin. He told me,
¡°We¡¯re taught that [prisoners are] garbage, and you¡¯re
digging in the garbage, so you¡¯re just like them.¡± And
then he gave me this cold stare. From day one, my
family thought that Kenny was going to take advantage
of me, that I would be living a life of misery,
when in reality it¡¯s their turning off to me that¡¯s made
the misery in my life, because I¡¯ve got twelve grandchildren.
My mother was scared for me too, but she
later met and liked Kenny.
Getting married was in part my idea. I told
Kenny, ¡°I don¡¯t want to be some prison girlfriend
running in and out of here, I want to be married.¡±
So one day, a few months after I moved up here, he
got down on one knee in the San Quentin visiting
room and proposed. I had never felt so loved.
We got married in a holding cell. And he was shackled,
so one of the guards said, ¡°Hide his chains behind your
bouquet for the photos.¡± Well, they don¡¯t let the brides
carry a bouquet anymore. But when we got married, I said
I¡¯m going to do this as close to a real marriage as possible,
a real outside marriage. So I went and ordered a little heartshaped
wedding cake and a pale blue gown. I had a reception;
I decorated my car; I drove over the Golden Gate
Bridge honking my horn; and I rode all over San Francisco
with a sign that said ¡°Just married. End the death penalty,
they¡¯re trying to kill my groom.¡± And people would ask me
then, ¡°Are you serious, lady?¡± And I¡¯d say, ¡°Yeah, my husband¡¯s
on death row for something he didn¡¯t do.¡± I even put
a wedding announcement in the local newspaper, but I
didn¡¯t want it to say that he was in San Quentin, so instead
I said that we got married in Marin County, and that at a
later date we planned to have a honeymoon and tour the
U.S. on a motorcycle¡ªone of Kenny¡¯s dreams. And do you
know they had a sergeants¡¯ meeting at the prison the morning
that announcement came out and said it was an escape
plan? Think about that! I said, ¡°If it were an escape plan,
would I advertise it in the paper?¡± That¡¯s how unreal that
whole place can be. People always want to know if we consummated
the marriage. All I can tell you is that if I were to
answer that question ¡°yes,¡± I¡¯d be saying I broke the law. I
saved everything from the wedding¡ªreceipts for the dress,
the ring¡ªbecause I knew there wouldn¡¯t be a lot of what
other people would have.
But I really thought he¡¯d be out long before now. We
used to dream about the future, that he would get money
for being wrongly convicted, that we would take hikes,
and where we would go. Once I was convinced he was
innocent¡ªby everything I read and by his lawyers at his
second penalty trial (his first lawyer was disbarred)¡ªI
said, ¡°You know, Kenny, if you¡¯re truly innocent, it¡¯ll be so
much easier to prove it than if you¡¯re not.¡± That¡¯s how I
looked at it. But we don¡¯t have a lot of money to buy a
dream team. I¡¯ve watched women gamble every week at
Lotto who were going to buy their men an attorney. I say,
¡°Why don¡¯t you save your money? If you saved it, maybe
you¡¯d have enough for something.¡±
Now it¡¯s been almost 17 years since our wedding, and
I think the guards know by now that I¡¯m not trying to
break him out. And if you look at our anniversary photos,
you can see the aging process: 5, 10, 15 years. We really
aged together. Now, it¡¯s developed into a more mature
romance. Just recently I was showing him this spot that
I thought was cancer on my arm, and this new guard
is a stickler, so he looks over and says no touching, no
touching. It ruins the moment. So often we cannot express
things in ways that hold other marriages together. Just
because he can¡¯t buy me a big chocolate heart doesn¡¯t mean
I don¡¯t enjoy Valentine¡¯s Day. But it has not been easy. If I
didn¡¯t have my church to help me, we¡¯d have probably not
made it.
Kenny doesn¡¯t go into a lot of the misery that goes on
inside the prison, but now he tells me more, because I want
him to. There are suicides and lockdowns. And I want him
to know what¡¯s happening to me out here. If the car breaks
down, if I¡¯m having trouble with a leaky radiator, he¡¯s going
California Lawyer January 2006 23
Photo courtesy of Mrs. Kenneth Gay
Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Gay:
¡°I don¡¯t want to be some prison girlfriend ¡ I want to be married.¡±
to hear about it. I think he should, so he doesn¡¯t have this
pie-in-the-sky concept that I¡¯m just out here floating
around, which is pretty easy for him to think anyway. To
him, a day is just a thought. A car breaking down is just a
thought. He¡¯s not actually there, he hasn¡¯t gotten out and
labored like I have.
The men on death row might hate me for saying it, but
they adjust. They have their food, and their lousy medical
treatment, and their yard, and they hate it, but they adjust.
In fact, there are guys in there who believe in the death
penalty. I¡¯ve heard that some gangbangers think it¡¯s a big
honor to die in the gas chamber. But families, we have to
deal with life out here, and employers, and when tax time
comes around I have to go into H&R Block and tell them,
yeah, I have a husband; and no, he didn¡¯t make anything
this year, he¡¯s an inmate.
I had my insurance company one time cancel my car
insurance. I said, ¡°What did you do?¡± I¡¯d been with Farmers
for over 20 years, and I got this really nasty guy¡ªhe¡¯s dead
now, but he said, ¡°You¡¯re married to an inmate! Your husband
can¡¯t drive this car!¡± It was ridiculous. Anyway, now every year
I have to sign a waiver that he will not drive my car.
We wear the prison jacket with them. We¡¯re under suspicion
at the prison hot and heavy because of who we¡¯re
seeing, and often we¡¯re left with no rights at all. We¡¯re
almost in the same boat of looking like a criminal.
Half the time I can¡¯t wear my wedding ring¡ªit¡¯s
pushed me into an underground life. My neighbors don¡¯t
know unless they¡¯ve figured it out, and usually on forms I¡¯ll
put down ¡°separated,¡± because we are. Once in a while I¡¯ll
say something about my first husband, and I¡¯ve had people
call me on that. I¡¯ve had people tell me that if more people
knew, they¡¯d probably support me. But you know what?
You don¡¯t know, and you can¡¯t risk it when you¡¯re trying to
pay these exorbitant rents.
I¡¯ll tell you how I learned to keep quiet in order to keep
employment. I do home care for the elderly, so one time I
went on a private job, and the mother loved me, and they
were going to let me move in downstairs. I was being interviewed
by the son, and I looked at him and said, ¡°You know
what, I¡¯m going to be real honest with you. You do not have
to worry about me in your apartment here. I don¡¯t smoke, I
don¡¯t go out and carouse, and I don¡¯t have men home,
because I¡¯m married to a prisoner. So you can rest assured.¡±
And as soon as I said the word prisoner, his jaw dropped and
I knew I didn¡¯t have the job. And not only did I not have the
job, but he called all my references and informed all of
them. That is the discrimination I face every day.
You know, I¡¯m one of the last Mohicans who¡¯s hung in
here. Because the life¡ªthe condemnation, the stress, the
abuses that go with the prison system and its society¡ªit
wears you down. And you adjust to one set of rules one
month, and the next month something¡¯s changed. Every
time there¡¯s a change of guards, something changes, so you¡¯re
in trouble no matter what.
Like the guard one day who said, ¡°Mrs. Gay, are you
wearing a flower in your hair?¡± I said, ¡°Yes, I¡¯ve worn flowers
here for years.¡± He said, ¡°Well, you can¡¯t today.¡± I was so
mad. I took it off and said, ¡°Here, officer, give it to your
wife.¡± It was real pretty, a gardenia or something. So that
ended that. And little by little, they chipped away at what
days we could visit, what colors we could wear¡ªyou have
to go in there like a nun now. We all have to wear black or
brown now, mostly; we¡¯re not allowed to wear white, green,
orange, or yellow, and now blue. We have to change our
wardrobe. I hardly ever buy anything denim, because it¡¯s not
allowed, not even on a baby. Now we¡¯re not allowed to wear
winter scarves, either, or carry an umbrella. That¡¯s the way
your whole life starts grinding down to these idiosyncrasies.
I have to say, it can be a very depressing life, and I¡¯m not
the only one living it. Prisoners¡¯ wives come from all walks
of life. A lot of them have been abused, like me. In the
beginning I formed a support group for wives and family
members, because I knew I needed one and I could see that
others did too. But I¡¯ve had some wives make trouble for
me, especially those wives who know that I know their husbands
are guilty¡ªI¡¯m not going to stick my neck out and
say they¡¯re all innocent when they¡¯re not. Now I see more
[prisoners¡¯] moms in the group, fewer wives. With the
moms, it¡¯s dirt serious¡ªthey¡¯re locked into this life. As for
other people in the anti¨Cdeath penalty movement, a lot of
those young kids are not directly connected, and they don¡¯t
really understand the seriousness of the situation at all. I
don¡¯t identify with all those Berkeley-type people. I refuse to
align myself with people who are anti-government, antiwar,
anti-this, anti-that, all those different issues stuck
together into a mishmash. They¡¯re not married to it¡ªthere¡¯s
a big difference.
Kenny recently tried to tell me that I¡¯m in my own
world, he¡¯s in his own world. I said, ¡°No, you¡¯re not really
out of this world, you¡¯re just in a bad part of it.¡± But it¡¯s
affecting our marriage. He says he hates prison and could
be in another ten years. Lately we fight more and more. But
what can we do? We can¡¯t go in the bedroom, we can¡¯t go
out to dinner or take a walk, we have to deal with every little
disagreement in a confined little padlocked cage.
Kenny has gotten less and less encouraging to me about
standing up against the death penalty too, in his case and
in others. He¡¯s lost faith; I think he feels like God let him
down. He says, ¡°You¡¯re not going to stop it, do you think
you¡¯re going to change their minds?¡±
He¡¯s pretty much trying to show the truth in his case in
new evidence, under the law. And that¡¯s where he¡¯s getting
blown away, because the law does not really protect an
innocent person. You can put that as a bottom line. The way
the law is now, it does not protect an innocent person. The
few that we see proven innocent¡ªhow many do we not
see? Who didn¡¯t have the money or resources or IQ to keep
rattling people to help them? It¡¯s just not a good system, and
if it¡¯s not good enough, they shouldn¡¯t be killing people. CL
24 January 2006 California Lawyer
- Re: °®Ç鳤ÅÜ14Ä꣬ÖÕÓÚ¸úËÀÇô·¸¼àÓüÍê»é inside a death row marriage, till death do we partposted on 05/06/2009
thank you zt!
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