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鍗佸勾涓嶆浘涓€鎵胯 | Jul 01 2007

十年不曾一承诺

光阴荏苒，转眼来到美国有十多年了，就算做十年吧。取个整。

I have been in the U.S. for more than ten years. Let's just say ten.

十年在人生中是个什么概念？最近我常想，出了国的人容易失去时间概念，对国内的事情，记忆中还是离开时候的样子。只有回去实际看了才会发现变化有多么大。我在加州有八年了，生活在一个没有明显季节的地方，时间概念就更为模糊。今天在一个庆祝美国国庆的露天音乐会上，我边听一个女孩子唱蓝调，一边懊丧地想自己浪费了这十年的时间。如果十年前娶了一个老婆生了孩子，现在孩子都能打酱油了。

What does ten years mean for a person? Recently I often think that those who have left China are likely to lose the sensitivity to time. They tend to think of China as it was when they left it. Only after they have paid a visit home will they see the great changes. Eight of my ten years in the States were spent in California, a place without four seasons. In such a place, the sense of time becomes blurred even more. Once at an open-air music show celebrating the birthday of the U.S., I while listening to a girl singing blues, regretfully thought that I had wasted ten years. Had I had a child ten years ago with a woman, he would being helping with house chores now.

让我吃惊的是，我怎么会在十年里不曾做出过任何承诺。无论是在家上，还是在业上，还是在财上，都不曾认真建构一个结结实实的东西，一个可以凭以为生的东西。

What suprises me most is that I did not make a single commitment during these ten years. No matter in what: family, career or wealth, I never seriously tried to build something solid, something that I can rely on for life.

一个人，特别是一个男人，怎么可以这样生活？我对自己百思不解。

I am puzzled: how can a person, a man, live this way?

那么这十年的时间都是用什么填充的呢？不错，写了百多篇文章，撇开其中不少是灌水的不谈，这些文章对我没有任何实质性的作用。哪怕能出本书也好，也算有个交代，但是没有。

How did I fill the blank of these ten years? In deed, I wrote more than one hundred articles. But these articles have no substantial use for me, much less to say quite some of them were posted online to kill time. It would have been better if I could have published a book with them, but I did not .

1996年到华盛顿看一个老同学。谈到在美国的打算。她爱人说：“看你打算十年以后做什么了。”我明白他的意思，十年以后的局面，现在就应当规划。

In 1996 I went to see an old classmate in Washington DC. When we brought up the subject of future plans, her husband said:" it depends on what you plan to do ten years from now." I understand his meaning. One should plan here and now even for a result that won't show up until ten years later.

我不知道规划了没有。念书的专业完全是因为得了一个TA而去念的，结果对选择职业毫无帮助，最后还是靠着国内的学历和经历就的职。财务上，如果当初把手头上的闲钱买基金甚至股票，也许现在会好得多。但是没有。就是丢给了银行。至于国内所谓的个人问题，更是漫无边际。也许是生活太安逸了，乐不思女。现在才觉得我那死去的舅妈说的实在：家里没个女人算什么家？出门看见人家都是成双成对的，参加查经班，了解到圣经上也说只有一个男人不好。可是我就是想像不出我屋里来个女人是什么个样子。不知道拿她怎么办，所以就不想了。如此一拖就是十年光景过去了。事业上，不用说你们也明白，我把写论文的时间都给CND 了。结果评职称什么都拿不出来，看着别人升自己一点脾气也没有。

I cannot tell now if I ever planned. My major in my MA program was selected simply because there was a TA for it. It did not help a lot in my searching for a job. I got my job using my experience and degree from China. In finance, had I bought funds or stocks with money saved in the bank, my finance condition might be better, but I did not. I just put the money in the bank.As for the so called personal issue ( the Chinese pet word for marriage), I did not even give it a thought.Maybe it is because my life has been too easy and I am too happy to think of having a woman. Not until now did I realized the truth of the words said by a senior family member: without a woman, a house is not a home. I see couples here and there when I go out. I understand in Bible study class that God thinks man should not live alone, yet I cannot imagine a women under my roof. I do not know what do to with her. So I simply give it up. In career development, as you can see, I gave my time to writing online and as a result, I could produce nothing when rank advancement came. I could only watch others being promoted.

中国话说“未雨绸缪”。这样的成语包含了既浅显又深刻的人生道理。我怎么就没有认真领会，贯彻执行？

The Chinese have a saying: " Prepare for the rain that has not come". Such a simple statement contains obvious yet profound truth of life. How come I never learned it seriously and live up to it?

虽然现在写文章谈这个问题，但是要让我现在开始一个承诺，我还真不知道承诺什么好。

Yet now if you want me to make a commitment, I still do not know what to make.