funny quotations

funny quotations | Sep 26 2004

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them. Alfred Adler

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. Brendan Gill

Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercouse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. Mark Twain

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. Mae West

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Oscar Wilde

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. Lao Tsu

A rich man's joke is always funny. Proverb

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. Cordel Hull

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. Dylan Thomas

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. William Shakespeare

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde

There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjamin Franklin

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. Arthur Block

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. Benito Mussolini

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. Franklin P. Jones

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????" Socrates right before his death

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't. Erica Jong

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations. David Friedman

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' Isaac Asimov