- adagio
An Shan, I can tell from this piece your language is getting more mature but you have to know how to tell a story - to cut the unnecessary stuff and only to keep the essential, to make the story more condensed and more dramatic, thus it can stand out in readers' mind more clearly.
Also, the last sentence isn't clear - are you wishing the way you treated JoAnne had been different or the things h - LingHuChongInteresting. I don't see people here use english a lot.
- 闃垮
谢谢兰舟。本来没指望有人会有耐心读我写的故事，尤其是这个节奏快的时代，除非是我的朋友在我逼迫之下。我这一组故事都是这样繁琐的了，就算是工笔画吧。
另一个朋友也说不懂结尾。"Every time I think of JoAnne, I only wish that everything could have been different. Everything." 就是说，一切都希望不同，包括 the way I treated JoAnne, and things happened to her, as well as who I was and what I had sai
- SusanI like this one A Shan. It is long but never boring. It is not just about JoAnne but also about yourself. Hope to see the whole series.
- star-gazerInteresting. But I have to agree with adagio, the last sentence is somewhat baffling.
Overall, your command of English is impressive, but the structure of the story could be better, it is a bit slow on its development, it is a test of patience (hope you don't mind me saying this). :-)
- 闃垮好谢谢 Susan 和 star-gazer 的评阅。Susan 看懂了，真高兴！是想通过详细写一组生活中认识的人，来写“我”，更进一步写人与人之间的关系。所以不想以故事情节取胜，而想用细节细节细节来描绘。只是希望我的文字能够更深更精更有美感，使读者读长篇的细节不觉是在受罪。
小时候读小说最不喜欢作者描述风景描述历史描述这个那个的，只要看情节，看谁跟谁好了。现在反过来了。看那些只有情节的书（例如 Da Vinci Code）有上当受�
- littleA strong character of JoAnne. There are many good details in the story but also some unnecessary details which didn’t help to achieve the atheistic effect you intended.
For instance, the descriptions of JoAnne’s appearance when ‘I” first met her were too much at the time. You can pace out her looks and the impact of her looks on people over the development of the story. I think the story i
- 闃垮谢谢 little 的中肯意见。大家读者都这么说，一定是对的。我想要等一段时间回头重写才能够裁剪。
昨天看了日本电影《Nobody Knows》，很长很美。不喜欢它的影评也说太长了。半夜里看了1925年电影《Greed》，据说原版是 8 个小时，后来给裁到现在的 2 个小时。我自己也是觉得细节太多。
- drinkingJust add the following to the ending:
"Everything. I have been in love, and I I have been at the peak of happiness. But for some reason, whenever I feel sad or lonely, I thought of JoAnne. Memory is a magical thing which I cannot explain. I wish I know loved her much earlier. If there is magic, I will meet her again somewhere unexpectedly. At that moment I know what I shall do."
闃垮